Thursday -- March 15th 

Happy 14th Birthday Beautiful Maddie! We all love and miss you so very much! Thinking of you today and every day! Hoping you are having an incredible birthday celebration up above! Watch for our balloons!

I hope to have a new, extended, entry written by the end of next week. Thank you all for checking the site today, on Maddie's birthday. For remembering her, missing her, and loving her always. 

XO

Wednesday -- November 23rd

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Holidays are hard. I know I have so very much to be thankful for, but nonetheless, my heart is heavy. I miss my girl and I miss the carefree happiness of all things good. Working very hard at making each new holiday brighter. Working very hard at living and staying in the moment. I recently read something somewhere that really stuck with me... "Don't look back, you're not going in that direction."

I am thankful for so very much. My family, my health, my home, my friends. My friends...

Why does God bring certain people into our lives? What lessons will they teach us, what lessons will we teach them? Will it be a friendship that will last forever, teach each other valuable lessons, continually grow? Or will it be a friendship that will serve its purpose and then come to an end when that purpose has been served?

God brought my dear friend, Stephanie MacEwen, into my life right after Maddie was diagnosed. She and I had been told about each other through a mutual friend. I needed a full time sitter for the kids, to help throughout Maddie's treatments, and she was doing babysitting on the side. She was the Super Nanny! We played phone tag for a while until my doorbell rang one day. There was this tall, very attractive, blonde woman with a warm smile. She stepped inside, we hugged, and felt as if we had already known each other. She had come to present me with a gift. A check from her Holiday Wish Charity Ball Event to help sick children and their families. What an amazing gift. I was so grateful. She stayed for several hours, we shared our first glass of wine, and chatted like best friends would chat. From that day forward, Steph never left my life, until 18 days ago. Steph passed away after a 7 year battle with cancer. She died peacefully at home, surrounded by her family. I was so blessed to be at her side with her family, as she went home to Heaven.

After our first meeting, I hired her daughter Kate, to be my full time sitter. It worked out great for everyone. Kate and Maddie became pals and all the kids loved Kate. It was a perfect fit at the perfect time. When Kate couldn't come, her sister Kirstie filled in, and sometimes even Steph. Steph wouldn't take payment, so instead we'd sit and share a bottle of wine and talk. We shared so many laughs and a lot of tears. She was one of my rocks throughout the years and we spoke several times a day. We talked about anything and everything. Nothing was off limits.

After Maddie passed, Steph would sit with me at the cemetery. She would listen to me talk. I didn't share intimate details of Maddie's passing to many, but Steph asked me to share and I did. It felt so good, so safe, to share. She had a lot of questions. I wonder if she was looking for the beauty and peaceful aspects of Maddie's passing, as she knew her own passing might come before she grew old. There was always the chance her cancer would come back. She was first diagnosed about 7 years ago and was "clean" when we met.

I could call Steph and she would just know I was having a hard time. I wouldn't even have to say anything and she would say, "I know. I know you miss her. She's right there with you. It's okay." She would always say, "Deep breaths. You're ok." She always said, "Deep breaths" when I was sad, having a hard time, or before I would have to give a speech or a public presentation. I always heard her words in my ear when I started to get nervous and needed to calm down. "Deep breaths."

Through the years, our family would spend many days hanging out at the MacEwen's dock. Fishing, boating, tubing, feeding Steph's ducks. She always said they were her ducks. She was very protective of them, especially when the boys went near them! We watched fireworks over the lake on the 4th, sat in the jacuzzi. The kids loved her. Ernie and I loved her. According to the kids, she made "the best" meatloaf, and best boxed pizza. Everything tasted better at Steph's house. Steph taught me how to make pulled pork in the crock pot. Simple, I know, but the difference was that I skimmed all the fat off, and she loved to keep the fat in. She told me that's how they did it down South! She was from Missouri. That's why her food always tasted better!

Steph was my "fashion consultant" through the years. She helped me shop for outfits for our fundraisers and loved to clean out my closet. She forced me to throw bags of my clothes away, "ugly" things I wanted to keep. During one cleaning, I snuck an "ugly" shirt out of the bag just to save and show up in one day, just to bust her chops. I wore it to the hospital the night I went to visit her. I knew I would be able to tell how her spirits were if she noticed and commented. She looked at my shirt, looked away and looked back. I said, "What? You don't like my shirt?" She said, "No, it's still ugly." We both laughed! She was right, it is still ugly, but now I can't throw it out!

Steph's cancer came back. She told me I should walk away then. She said this would be too painful for me to go through again and she didn't want me to do it. I told her I wasn't going anywhere. I was going to be there for the whole ride. That's when we made several pacts with each other. One very special pact we made was this. She would take care of my Maddie in Heaven, and I would take care of her children on Earth. We laughed about this one because I told her I was getting the tough end of the deal! I was getting a 22, 19, and 15 year old, and she was going to hang with Maddie in Paradise! Maddie is going to take care of her!

Steph told me she always wanted to do pottery. I picked her up one day and drove her to the pottery place in Franklin. We each sat and painted a mug. On mine, I painted "Never, Never, Never give up" and butterflies. Steph painted a cow mug. It was so much fun. Before leaving, I told her we needed to sign them, we needed to put our names and the date on the bottom. We went back and forth with goofy names: Fred and Ethel, Lucy and Ricky, Laverne and Shirley. I don't know why, but I named her Keesha and she named me Vagina. Yep, Vagina. Nice huh? I said, "Why am I Vagina? I can't write that on the bottom of my mug! People will see it!" We both cracked up. So, I wrote "Gina" and dated my mug. She wrote "Keesha" and dated her mug. Now when people use my mug, they ask, "who's Gina?" From that day forward, Steph called me Gina (pronounced with the long "I") and I called her Keesha.

At the end of this summer, Steph and I went out on her lake in our inflatable kayaks. She loved it. She got way ahead of me and I sat back and watched her. She was so strong, so comfortable on the water, so graceful as she paddled. I was awkward and soaked! She always laughed at me on the water. Told me I was a city girl. The sun outlined her as she paddled away from me. I took it all in. I will never forget that vision. I knew I would not be out on the water again with my friend. That is how I like to think of her. In her glory, in her element, enjoying her life, paddling off into the sunset.

I could go on and on about Stephanie and my memories of a beautiful friendship. I am so grateful God brought us into each other's lives. I have learned so much and I miss my friend terribly. I do know she is with Maddie and that brings me some comfort. Steph always said Maddie would come and take her hand when it was her time, and Maddie did.

Maddie let us all know she was there. Moments before Steph passed, I huddled out on her bedroom balcony with her kids for a moment. Spoke to Maddie in my head. Prayed for a sign from her. A sign of peace and comfort, to let us know she was there. I needed a sign in that moment. I looked up and right above us, a beautiful, huge hawk hovered. Right above us. I told her kids to look up! One daughter said, "It's Maddie! I can't believe she came!" I said, "Of course she did! She loves your Mom! She has been here the whole time. She just wanted you to know it!" We all went back inside and sat with Steph, and prayed, as Maddie and her other loved ones, took her hands and brought her to Heaven.

The boys were so upset to learn of Steph's passing. William wanted to go see her, in her home, before she was taken out. He needed closure in her house, not the funeral home. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to make that happen for him. The boys did not go to the wake. They wanted to remember Steph as she was, and I know Steph would want the same. The boys, except Michael, did come to the church service. They were very sad. The whole thing just really brought so many feelings, so much pain, back to the surface for all of us.

Steph's girls handed me a special gift. Steph had never taken off her Maddie bracelet. Never. It was worn with love. The girls took it off their Mom and handed it to me. I can feel her with me when I wear it.

Our friendship has come full circle. The family handed me a letter to read, that Steph had written with her wishes. Steph asked that in lieu of flowers or gifts, donations be made to Maddie's charities. She never told me she was going to do that. She probably knew I would argue and tell her to do something else or maybe she just wanted to surprise me. Her gift means the world to me. She showed up on my doorstep with a gift, and left my life, leaving behind so many gifts.

Why did God bring us into each other's lives. I know the answers of that friendship. I know the beauty, the gifts, the why, and I am forever grateful. Our friendship was one of deep respect, love, admiration, and spirituality. Just an incredible connection. Although Steph is no longer here, this is a friendship that will last forever and still grow. I will realize and learn new things from Steph, every time I think back on our time together, our talks. I miss my rock, my Keesha. I need her desperately. I need to talk to her. I texted her the other day, even though I know I won't get a response. Her death is such a devastating loss for me, but I am so grateful for the time we did have.

My dear Steph, thank you for loving me, for loving my family. Thank you for your gift to Maddie's charities. Hug and kiss my Maddie for me, every chance you get, and I will keep my end of the deal down here. You will be missed beyond words, but you are forever in my heart, soul, and mind. I will look for signs from you. Once you get settled in up there, Maddie will teach you how to do it! She's really good at it! Until then, I will continue to take "deep breaths" whenever I need to, and I must say, that is quite often...

Life is short. A journey filled with so many ups and downs. That's life. "Life is what you make of it. Always has been, and always will be." We are not in control, nothing is truly decided by us, but I do know that Maddie and Steph have both taught me so much, and I plan to live by those lessons and gifts.

I wish you all a very safe, healthy, and happy Thanksgiving. Take a moment to truly be in the moment and give thanks for all you have. With Love...